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When I was a teenager in the 1990s, officials seemed to believe that wage disparity between genders could be tackled by telling girls that they could do anything. Splashy, lurid pink ads assured me that institutional and cultural obstacles would fall in the face of my self-confidence.

Researchers have since debunked the belief that a person can transform their existence through upbeat attitudes. A writer, in his work Selfie, analyzes how the free-market ideology of the level playing field fuels much of the self-improvement movement.

Yet, I still feel that still believes that by putting in the work and glue together a firm goal map, I can attain my most ambitious goals: the single obstacle to my future rests on my shoulders. What is the path to a state of balance, an equilibrium between believing that I am capable of anything but am not responsible for every failure?

The Answer Resides in Self-Effacement

The answer, according to Saint Augustine, a religious leader from Hippo, involves modesty. He stated that self-abasement was the foundation of each additional excellence, and that in the quest for the divine “the initial step requires modesty; the following, humility; the last, self-effacement”.

Being an ex-Catholic in my case, the word “humility” might stir multiple adverse reactions. I grew up at a time in religious history when caring about your looks equated to narcissism; sexual desire was frowned upon beyond reproduction; and merely considering self-pleasure could lead to punishment.

I don’t think that this was Saint Augustine’s intention, but throughout much of my life, I mixed up “modesty” with guilt.

Healthy Humility Does Not Involve Personal Disgust

Being humble, according to mental health expert Ravi Chandra, does not mean hating oneself. Someone who is healthily humble is proud of their skills and accomplishments while acknowledging that knowledge is infinite. The psychiatrist outlines various types of meekness: respect for diversity; meekness across ages; modesty in knowledge; awareness of limits; recognition of room for growth; meekness in insight; humility of awe; and meekness during hardship.

Mental health investigations has also identified a range of benefits arising from intellectual humility, including enhanced endurance, acceptance and relatedness.

Humility in Practice

During my career in spiritual support roles in aged care, I now think about modesty as the effort of being present to the other. Meekness is an act of re-grounding: coming back, moment by moment, to the carpet beneath my shoes and the human being before me.

A few people who tell me repeated tales drawn from their experiences, time after time, during each visit. Rather than counting minutes, I strive to pay attention. I try to stay curious. What can I learn from this human and the stories that have stayed with them amidst so much loss?

Philosophical Stillness

I try to live with the spiritual mindset as described by scholar Huston Smith called “inventive calm”. Ancient Chinese sages encourage humans to calm the identity and reside in sync with the natural order.

This might be especially relevant while people attempt to fix the destruction people have inflicted upon Earth. Through her publication Fathoms: The World in the Whale, Rebecca Giggs notes that embracing modesty helps us re-connect with “the animal inside, the being that trembles in the face of the unknown". Adopting a stance of modesty, of not-knowing, enables us to recognize our species is a part of an expansive system.

The Elegance of Modesty

There’s a desolation and gloom that follows believing you can do anything: triumph – be it attaining riches, shedding pounds, or securing an election – turns into the sole valid outcome. Meekness permits grace and setbacks. I am humble, connected to the soil, implying the essentials are available to develop.